you're screaming, drowning, helplessly calling. you feel frustrated, confused. your thoughts and vision a tangled mess. your passionate heart stepped on and stomped upon. the insides of your cheeks chewed from worry. you hold your breath, under your skin is blue and bruised. weeks of sub-conscience abuse rise to the surface. doubt and giving up come frequently. nothing can cure. He allows you to suffer. as long as you can bare, He lets you be pushed to your limits, to the edge of your breaking point, to where you can't take it any longer.
and then He brings peace. it may come in just a sliver, sometimes He does it that way. but it comes-- you feel it shimmer again. and that sliver may be all that is needed to lift up your tired eyes and work up the bravery to take a little, tiny step in the direction of progression.
in the past my trialed times can be noted by the number of blog posts i write per month. the more emotional stress. the higher the number of posts through the years, it's been a trend i've seen in this little corner of the internet i call mine. but lately that hasn't been the case. i've been silently suffering, with only seven posts in nineteen days. tonight, the light snow fall helped. i think it's peaceful.
i'm sorry but, twitter isn't a journal or somewhere to post life goals, fitness doesn't come from pinning photos of athletic girls on pinterest, and instagram accounts are rarely true of what real life looks like. i'm sorry to say but social media and hollywood skew society's view of reality. real life is about doing hard things, getting up early and being there on time, consistency, getting knocked down and feeling low, paying a lot of money for tuition, and gas, and groceries, and for a place to live. It's about patience and waiting, doing what you're told, things not always going your way, fighting internal struggles, learning to be comfortable with yourself, working hard for something you really want, doing things out of your comfort zone, being in pain to feel strong, getting things done. it's about making it through extreme stress and pressure of a semester of college and finals only to realize you have to start it all over again come three weeks, then four more times after that for the next three years. real life is a place where granite counter tops are a luxury and so are new clothes and expensive trips. a place where time to make your life appear perfect on social media is not a necessity. happiness doesn't come from freedom of responsibility or a prince charming that sweeps you off your feet.. happiness comes as a reward and self-satisfaction in hard work. happiness comes from gratitude in the daily simple things and the good people that have been placed around you. but mostly, happiness comes from a relationship with God. so here i am, ranting about this on nothing other than a form of social media itself. how appropriate. but honestly people, let's try to keep things a bit more real, in all we do.
Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins Let me be empty Oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting Keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness Oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie In the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here
there's so so many thoughts, worries, anxiety, hope, dreams, and wishes constantly on my mind. and due to living, I've gotten behind in documenting them here. i guess the paper versions on my shelf will have to suffice. college is intense, life can be critical and i've been working to the max of my capabilities wondering if that is even enough. lately it seems like the days blur together and things are so drab. the cold doesn't help. but i still find time to go to the temple and i still do have phenomenal, entertaining roommates and best friends that communicate via snap chat and record videos of the priceless moments. it's because of them that I haven't dropped completely dead yet.
A single strand of lights, a mini evergreen tree, paper snow flakes, soft familiar melodies, and a you-tube video of a crackling fire place. This is Christmas in a college dorm. None the less it still makes our apartment cozy and the looming finals week doesn't seem as bad.
ever since I've had feelings I've been writing them down and as long as I can remember being a person it has shaped me into who I am. I don't know who or what gave me the idea to write in a journal every night and I have no idea how or why in the world that idea stuck or what has even compelled me to really do it. All I know is I can look up and read about any day of my life so far and time will only continue to pass. more entries will fill more pages and I can only dream about what words or names will fill them.
among the meetings and classes, applications for future opportunities, the quizes, essays, readings, assignments, can i say projects to the max? 3 studio classes in 18 credits don't ever slow down. not to mention the social events and service activities. i'm trying to manage the time for it all, but to also give priority to the thing most important: Heavenly Father and the calling given by Him. i want to prepare my relief society lesson and report for ward council as the Lord would have it for ward conference this weekend. plus teaching along side the stake priesthood and relief society presidents can be motivation to have a message put together in tip, top shape.
"and moreover, i would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."
"Yeah in the strength of the Lord did we go forth to battle…for I did cry mightily to the Lord that he would deliver [me]…and God did hear [my] cries and did answer [my] prayers; and we did go forth in his might;"
"and it came to pass that we did go up in the strength of the Lord to battle."
it is truly the small and simple things that disperse discontentment, confusion, worries, and anxiousness. daily scripture study, prayers night and morning, plus diligent meeting attendance along with being proactive in making the gospel a priority truly does fill life with so much meaning. the difference i've recently felt is tremendous. words of the spirit filled my anxious soul. pure peace soothed cracks of worry and doubt. i felt recovered and relief from days of wrestling. just that tiny change with in me is a witness that it is all true.
the life of a wanna be designer can be rough. one moment i'll be at loss for ideas and wonder why i'm even in the program and then a moment later inspiration will strike and suddenly i have no limitations and i'm definitely on track.
// sometimes she just has to find that plane ticket.