2013 in a nutshell.

i will be forever changed by the people i grew close to 
and the moments we shared in the past 365 days;
i couldn't be more grateful for the year 
that will always stand as a mile marker in my life.


my favorite part about christmas?
that we take the time to sing praises 
about the night our Savior entered the world.

my second favorite part about christmas is
the fact that it comes back every year.


happy december 25th.

(or december 26th, depending on which side of the globe you are currently residing on ;)


it's been real logan.

staying here an extra week after the semester ended was fun and all,
those ten inches of snow you threw at us in one night was quite an eventful surprise,
but now i'm grateful to be on my way home.
home for two weeks.  home for christmas.


joy to the world.

and maybe that's what it was like in the stable on the eve of that first christmas.
He came softly, quietly, and humbly
into the world.
to bring his sufficient grace and his slivers of peace 
to people that were broken and hurting
to people that needed something more to keep from falling apart.
to people that would call out His name,
people that would be patient and willing to listen for His subtle response.

they had to be working to see the sign of His come.
they had to seek Him, they had to come unto Him
to feel of His sweet glory and comforting affection.

the Lord is come,
sing in exultation, 
born is the king
Jesus Lord, at thy birth.

maybe that's what christmas has really meant all along.

a sliver.

you're screaming, drowning, helplessly calling.
you feel frustrated, confused.
your thoughts and vision a tangled mess.
your passionate heart stepped on
and stomped upon.
the insides of your cheeks chewed from worry.
you hold your breath,
under your skin is blue and bruised.
weeks of sub-conscience abuse 
rise to the surface.
doubt and giving up come frequently.
nothing can cure.

He allows you to suffer.
as long as you can bare,
He lets you be pushed to your limits,
to the edge of your breaking point,
to where you can't take it any longer.

and then

 He brings peace.

it may come in just a sliver,
sometimes He does it that way.
but it comes--
you feel it shimmer again.
and that sliver may be all that is needed
to lift up your tired eyes
and work up the bravery
to take a little, tiny step in 
the direction of progression.


words from the wise.

if in the things you are doing, 
you aren't doing them very good--
give yourself a break,

at least you're doing them.


ever so quietly.

in the past
my trialed times can be noted by the number of blog posts i write per month.
the more emotional stress. the higher the number of posts
through the years, it's been a trend i've seen in this little corner of the internet i call mine.
but lately that hasn't been the case. 
i've been silently suffering,
with only seven posts in nineteen days.

tonight, the light snow fall helped. i think it's peaceful.



places are created by the people that reside in them.
and when people are missing,
it feels like a completely different place.



i'm learning that places aren't stagnate.
neither are song melodies.
they have to be allowed to change and grow along side us
because they evolve and hold new meaning just as our lives do in time.


here's my schpill.

i'm sorry but,
twitter isn't a journal or somewhere to post life goals,
fitness doesn't come from pinning photos of athletic girls on pinterest,
and instagram accounts are rarely true of what real life looks like.

i'm sorry to say but social media and hollywood skew society's view of reality.

real life is about doing hard things, getting up early and being there on time, consistency, getting knocked down and feeling low, paying a lot of money for tuition, and gas, and groceries, and for a place to live.  It's about patience and waiting, doing what you're told, things not always going your way, fighting internal struggles, learning to be comfortable with yourself, working hard for something you really want, doing things out of your comfort zone, being in pain to feel strong, getting things done.  it's about making it through extreme stress and pressure of a semester of college and finals only to realize you have to start it all over again come three weeks, then four more times after that for the next three years.  real life is a place where granite counter tops are a luxury and so are new clothes and expensive trips.  a place where time to make your life appear perfect on social media is not a necessity.  happiness doesn't come from freedom of responsibility or a prince charming that sweeps you off your feet..  happiness comes as a reward and self-satisfaction in hard work.  happiness comes from gratitude in the daily simple things and the good people that have been placed around you.  but mostly, happiness comes from a relationship with God.

so here i am, ranting about this on nothing other than a form of social media itself.  how appropriate. 
but honestly people, let's try to keep things a bit more real, in all we do.


driving home alone.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

--angel, sarah  mclachlan

wrapping up dead week.

there's so so many thoughts, worries, anxiety, hope, dreams, and wishes 
constantly on my mind. 
and due to living, I've gotten behind in documenting them here.
i guess the paper versions on my shelf will have to suffice.
college is intense, life can be critical and i've been working to the max of my capabilities
wondering if that is even enough. 
lately it seems like the days blur together
and things are so drab.
the cold doesn't help.
  but i still find time to go to the temple
and i still do have phenomenal, entertaining roommates and best friends 
that communicate via snap chat and record videos of the priceless moments.
it's because of them that I haven't dropped completely dead yet.


take it.

when life throws an unexpected opportunity at you
be brave enough to take it.
often time, great opportunities look like work.


a college dorm christmas

A single strand of lights, a mini evergreen tree, paper snow flakes, soft familiar melodies, and a you-tube video of a crackling fire place. This is Christmas in a college dorm. None the less it still makes our apartment cozy and the looming finals week doesn't seem as bad.



ever since I've had feelings I've been writing them down and as long as I can remember being a person it has shaped me into who I am.  I don't know who or what gave me the idea to write in a journal every night and I have no idea how or why in the world that idea stuck or what has even compelled me to really do it.  All I know is I can look up and read about any day of my life so far and time will only continue to pass.  more entries will fill more pages and I can only dream about what words or names will fill them.


the battle of a busy college life.

among the meetings and classes,
applications for future opportunities,
the quizes, essays, readings, assignments,
can i say projects to the max?
3 studio classes in 18 credits don't ever slow down.
not to mention the social events and service activities.
i'm trying to manage the time for it all,
but to also give priority to the thing most important:
Heavenly Father and the calling given by Him.
i want to prepare my relief society lesson and report for ward council
as the Lord would have it for ward conference 
this weekend.
plus teaching along side the stake priesthood and relief society presidents
can be motivation to have a message put together in tip, top shape.

"and moreover, i would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness.  O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."
-Mosiah 2:41

"Yeah in the strength of the Lord did we go forth to battle…for I did cry mightily to the Lord that he would deliver [me]…and God did hear [my] cries and did answer [my] prayers; and we did go forth in his might;"
-Mosiah 9:17-19

"and it came to pass that we did go up in the strength of the Lord to battle."
-Mosiah 10:10


winter came.

and brought uncomfortable wet and cold
to this tundra we call logan, ut.
needless to say, the first snowfall also left a tinge of magic
and it was stunning.


a realized abstraction.

when you were a young dreamer you'd imagine feelings 
you would have when you were older, living the college life, or falling in love.
at the time, those dreams were so explicit in your fantasizing mind 
and you thought you'd definitely be able to spot the moment when you entered it.
but then years later it comes time to find them and you're still searching.
until one night.
in a moment of cool air that brushes your skin, you open the cafe door, 
the night lights of an old town main street sparkle as you hear your steps click on top of the tessellated floor--
it all catches up to you.
you thought for sure you'd be able to recognized the ideal scenes,
but in reality your young mind only glimpsed an abstraction of what your life would be made of.
you really didn't know the specifics that would lie in the details of those moments.
because the essence of a moment isn’t constructed of the building you're in or the situation that surrounds you--
it's not defined by a single instance in time.  
It's impacted by the ones the preceded it and the ones that are waiting to happen.  
A moment is fabricated by the emotions inside and the current state of your mind.
so now they come almost disguised.
and tonight you are blessed enough to recognize.


this girl has future bridesmaid status.
she is incredible and theres few things better than
when she comes to visit me
and we stay up till 5:30am just talking.


the small and simple things.

it is truly the small and simple things that disperse discontentment, confusion, worries, and anxiousness.  daily scripture study, prayers night and morning, plus diligent meeting attendance along with being proactive in making the gospel a priority truly does fill life with so much meaning. the difference i've recently felt is tremendous.  words of the spirit filled my anxious soul.  pure peace soothed cracks of worry and doubt.  i felt recovered and relief from days of wrestling.  just that tiny change with in me is a witness that it is all true.


she sat at her desk, the whole world to explore.

the life of a wanna be designer can be rough.
one moment i'll be at loss for ideas and wonder why i'm even in the program 
and then a moment later
inspiration will strike and suddenly i have no limitations
and i'm definitely on track.

//  sometimes she just has to find that plane ticket.



i want to stop trying to make things something that they're not.
i want to ignore the stereotypes.
i want to disregard the ideal idea.

i want to photograph things as they are and life as it is.
because it is already beautiful
and all i want to do is capture its realness.


cozy Apt #404

a pre-thanksgiving sunday dinner.

wishing you an early happy holidays from cozy apt #404


marvelous, inspiring, astonishing
how time shapes and molds things
like i've never seen.

experience, circumstance, people.

we evolve
through it all.


one of the prettiest.

sometimes we take trips to brigham city for a new temple adventure. this place is one of the prettiest places i know of.

p.s. lexi is such a lovely, lovely girl and i'm so glad we've become better friends via the college life.


welcome november.

at my school there is a castle and in the fall it is even more magical.