when i hear the city name in my head,
i see my name written between the letters.
it's weird. i didn't think it could be like that.
i didn't know how some one could connect with a place
so random and particular,
in such a short time, knowing nothing about it,
never have been there before.
but it happens,
it's something that can't explained until you feel it yourself.
i sure never understood it before.
all i know is that somehow the brethren knew my heart
when they assigned me to those mid-western states.
because all my soul wanted was to talk to american people living in middle-of-no-where-towns
surrounded by corn fields.
now that there might be a chance i'd get to spend some time living in a busy city too
and watch city lights dance on the water of the ohio river,
it's more than i could've asked for.
oh what a perfect, perfect place.
how is it possible to be sent there out of random assignment?
a witness it's not so random at all.
i got assigned there out of soul yearning because God knows my soul.
minutes before i opened the envelope, only one feeling engulfed me: rejection.
i did not want to go any more.
i wanted to tell everyone to go home and that i was going to rip up the envelope, throw it away,
and just not go. i could've. i could've decided to just not go.
feeling overwhelmed in a way i'd never felt, i felt the most confused about it i'd ever felt.
i opened the 8.5x11 envelope,
and then my full name was typed at the top, under the letter head, addressing me as 'sister'.
and all i could feel was how weird that was, i never imagined doing this myself.
after seeing countless friends and facebook videos of people reading the same cliche words
it still didn't seem real. and wondered what in the heck did i get myself into?
the whole evening passed and i still didn't know what to think.
so i just didn't.
it wasn't until the next day when i thought the city name to myself
and thought: i'm really going there.
sure, i've heard of the place before. but i'd never thought of it as a real place
with streets and buildings and trees and cars.
with real people living and breathing.
that have real lives--each so individual and customized.
and i became more excited than ever.
to have a real american experience
in a place with history and a culture different than i've experienced.
what better way to experience a place to its core
than to live there for a year and a half talking to people about the realest thing in the universe:
God's plan for his children and how the Savior's role is the most significant thing that's ever happened in the history of the world.
and i know it's for me.
it's how the rest of my life afterward will work out; it's the experience i've just got to have.
and rumor has it, i won't regret one bit my decision to serve.
i cry a lot these days.
i cry about the future.
i cry about the past.
the past, especially the past.
how could i not yearn for something that was so perfectly ideal?
the saddest part is, i didn't even feel that way when i was living those moments.
these pictures don't even begin.
i remember things like comments on math backpacks and lunch dates on the grass next to that weird statue that looks like lips.
i remember sandwiches before public bus rides that started it all.
i remember late nights,
i remember bright days.
i remember high beds that we had to high jump onto.
i remember long football games that i couldn't even pay attention during.
i remember cupcakes lined up in the shape of 19.
i remember freezing cold water and the feeling of living through college.
i remember nashville tribute concerts and meeting the truman brothers.
along with that night: spider webs in labs
i remember hikes and playing cards with those guys that night too.
i remember lorde singing love club every time we drove to walmart.
i remember running to chalk dances.
i remember a lot of crazy dancing at dance parties.
there's no resolution to this post because i'll never be back.
it'll never be brand new to me, meeting those people so dear in my heart,
never so sure of being in the right place at the right time.
i remember peaceful overwhelmingness
that wasn't so overwhelming at all in the cemetery that sunday.
I remember pencil drawings on the side walk,
i remember the walk to the church across the way.
i remember old main and the block you drive around that connects everyone to everything.
i remember the party in that little house and the frat party that we left.
i remember the temple just down the street, i remember the golden toaster church
i remember meeting my bishopric for the first time there.
i remember that walk along the cemetery fence to home, it wasn't very long but i was always mad to miss the bus.
the bus. i remember waiting for that bus while sitting on a rock making dumb iPhone videos with megan frodsham early in the morning. well i remember it wasn't that early, 9:30am is early when you're up until 3 or 4 every night.
i remember bringing groceries up all those stairs.
i remember the blue bird and SE Needhams; i remember main street and its beautiful lights.
i remember the di and getting fancy decor to decorate our apartment.
i remember that first weekend and how we thought it would be fun to follow guys we met at a stop light.
for the record it was fun, but also crazy. either way, it makes for a good story.
i'm grateful for moments like this when
things are connected and life makes sense.
moments when I feel you.
worn out words and over-reviewed photos
brought new tears down my cheeks.
that stare seemed real.
I'd like to think you receive my love notes that I remind God to give you
and hope some moments you feel me too.
last night I wasn't sure I could really go all this time,
but then this morning I remembered your patience
and I remembered how much longer than 34 months our existence really is
and I remembered what a glorious reward there would be if I did.
it'll be the hardest thing I'll ever do, but one ordinary morning in the future
when you're there, none of the pain will matter, only gratitude will remain.
that'll be when my kingdom comes.
here's to the people who've sacrificed everything
in my own, personal way, i'm joining you.
(coldplay narrated this perfectly) Steal my heart and hold my tongue. I feel my time, my time has come. Let me in, unlock the door. I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning, The drummer begins to drum, I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my head inside your hands, I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears, For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come, and set me free, Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood, In your fire and in your flood, I hear you laugh, I heard you sing, "I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning, The drummers begin to drum, I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my days, my days are done. Say you'll come and set me free, Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.