such is life.

it has been crazy lately.
the past couple months have been a whirl wind.
emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and creatively i have been riding 
the most insane roller coaster of my life.
but most days the ride is moving so fast i just have to keep going.


i almost went on a dreamy study abroad this summer.
i applied for the picture-perfect program, got accepted, made payments, ordered my passport,
but when it came down to buying a plane ticket, i couldn't do it.
no matter what i did, or how bad i wanted it, i couldn't make it feel right.
so with no specific reason at all, i withdrew.
i guess a summer working from home is what's in store for me.

having a part time job among 16 credits eats away time and "free" time rarely exists.
(and i'm not even going to mention my calling.)
going straight from class to work and not getting home till later
creates longer days because homework time only exists during the night.
most of the time i'm flying by the seat of my pants to get assignments done
and some how i manage.
people have asked me how i do it
i say: i've become a zombie
throw in the occasion kickboxing class and chicken dinner to keep me feeling semi-healthy.
i envy those with time to work out every day and to eat "whole"
maybe once the semester ends i'll try that out and train for another half marathon
just because i'll have the time to.
but i do like making my own money and budgeting my own living expenses.
i'll never go back to spending my afternoons surfing the internet 
then asking my parents for grocery and gas money once my account is running low.

this semester has gotten me thinking about careers in reality.
having a graphic design job and being a graphic design pre-art program student 
puts me in front of an apple computer screen more hours a day than not.
to my old self that sounded glamorous 
but now i realize it's still work. hard work. that's hard to stay motivated during.
it's brought a reality to life. 
what do i want in my life? what do i want to spend my days doing? what is the point of all this? 
i wonder if high end designers ever hated designing at one point
because this semester i have.
i've been considering changing my major all together.
and was convinced it would be an easy switch because i wouldn't get into the program
(because i wasn't good at it at all) and i could find some where that would make me actually happy.
so i prepared long and hard, to at least give it a shot, 
putting my BFA review portfolio together, for a program i didn't want to get into.
and then i got in.  i made it and i was surprised.
now i have to decide if thats what i want. 
i've struggled and wrestled with the idea all semester 
and amidst all that struggling i've come a long way.
and i can see that now.
so maybe i could do this.  maybe i could be good at it.
if i do then i'm two years from graduating with a bachelors degree.
because in the end, perfectly fit majors or easy jobs don't make people happy.
it's people that make themselves happy.
and living the eternal principles of the gospel that bring true purpose in life.
sometimes the Lord takes us low so that He can take us higher.
i've felt pretty low this semester but i feel that things are looking up,
after a relaxing conference weekend of inspiring messages
i'm going to take on the last four weeks of the semester in a better state
because this place--freshman year deserves to be left with a lot of laughter and good memories.